respite

i need respite and recluse. time to rest, time i'll lose.

moving on, climbing out. breakaway, break free.

Escape.

can't go forward; can't fall back.

What the hell have I gotten myself into. ffs.

thoughts

down boy. settled thoughts and clear mind. go about my day in peace. walk around with no worries.

this is my day.

Okay

alrighty. tirade. botched. tired. finality. inconsistency. why.

i'm suppose to be done. supposed to have one leg out the door with the other soon to follow. let go erphie, it's not hard. there's nothing to be gained, nothing to be reaped. there's near zero benefit.

yes i'm done. i'm so done. i need medicine. i need fuckitol.

fuuuuu-

i feel the pain of others. more than them sometimes even. but do others feel mine?

done

im so done. it's gonna take another long while again. im just so so tired. i really really wish my feelings had never went down this road. fuck it im out.

afternoon thoughts

my days have just been filled with work and the dreary routine of everyday. but it has to be said the only few things can break this monotony. it is therefore so glaringly clear the i have fallen. will i ever climb out, maybe. but i dont really want to to be honest

internal fracas

really now what's wrong with me. i'm truly absent-minded.

apologies

aand I know I've been a real whiny kid haven't I? Dammit I need to grow up. Wish I'd fallen differently, and my heart swayed a different direction.

The reality though is all too clear.

tough

hey i've been battling a very long period of low morale for awhile now. not really sure what's causing it but i guess it's something to do with the fact that i'm always the initiator to things. if i wanna hang out with others i'm always the one to ask. sometimes, i just wish that someone would ask me out instead, or even invite me to a group outing.

also, i keep thinking, i so so so want to keep my feelings, but it seems more and more inadvisable. i've promised someone that i won't confess for the good of the bigger picture, but it's always gonna be an uphill battle. spending so much time together, and for me to develop feelings while the other hasn't is a telling sign.

i so so so wanna tell the person how i feel to get it off my chest, but i don't want to ruin things between us. there's much more at stake here, and it concerns things bigger than the two of us. which is why it would be selfish of me to try. but it's oh-so difficult gosh.

#rant #end

haze

c'mon no i don't mean the haze that clogs up the air. more like, its the haze that blurs the thoughts in my mind and makes life just a tad bit more difficult.

so i just completed year 1, and currently have 2-3 months of idling. this gives me loads of time to focus on myself. at the same time, since im not distracted by school, i've realised a few things.

i've gotten over singlehood a long time ago, but i was not ready to date again. not ready to take the plunge and build another relationship from scratch.

but recently (1-year ish) i've been really drawn towards an individual. this person makes my knees weak, and when i'm in their company, i feel very very comfortable. there's an air of uncertainty yet assurance about this person and it drives me crazy trying to figure out their mysteries.

we spend time together and i'm smitten every time we meet. we've had heart to heart talks, and we've discovered plenty of things about each. this is where the hazy part begins.

because of my knowledge about said individual, it would make a romantic relationship impossible between us. that's just so unfair! why of all people would i fall for them if it's an impossibility?!

i'm a little angered by my own feelings myself. "just forget about the person if you know its impossible" people might say. yeah sure. even though i know nothing will come out of it, it doesnt make my feelings go away. it doesnt make me enjoy our time together less. it doesnt stop giving me butterflies whenever we talk.

i would love to forget, but it's as impossible as a relationship between us.

reflections

most mornings nowadays i wake up with a lot of trepidation and foreboding. i am never able to pinpoint the exact cause though.

usually what happens is that i'll wake up like that, then have to slog through the day to feel normal by night time. only to wake up the next day feeling shitty again.

it just sucks waking uo this way because i know im not usually like that. i put on a smile for the people i care about because i dont want them to worry about me.

this struggle is something i must undertake alone.

Facebook Rant

the other day, something really ticked me off to the point that i actually went to Facebook to air my grudges! the following was typed out in the heat of the moment:

"what is it with people not moving to the back of the bus? i mean, is it a haunted area or a restricted zone of some sort?

two buses bypassed my stop today because it was 'full'. people only stood up till halfway, leaving ample space at the back. i doubt you gotta pay extra just to move to the back right?

so what if you're alighting in one or two stops after, and you don't want to squeeze your way out of the bus? your selfishness in not allowing people to board may ruin the day lf other people;

may cause a person to be late for work, costing his promotion; a student to be late for his exam; a person to miss his flight for a holiday he's planned for months; unable to see a dying relative for one last time;

sure some of these things are exaggerated but hey its perfectly plausible that they can be true.

there are already 5 million of us squeezed onto this tiny island, making rush hour a nightmare for any mode of transport. so i see no point in making the problem worse.

so just please move in to the back of the bus when its full because that little action or lack thereof can make or break someone's day."

so yeah that happened ! :P

Positive

HEY!

recalled why my blog is named as such. back when i first started blogging in 2007-2008, i was very friendly, which some of my peers considered OVER-friendly. hence the words 'flirt' and 'irfan' were used interchangeably. and being the positive person i am, of course i embraced it! but it was a common misconception that the url is 'Flirt-To-Irf' shortened. as a young boy, i thought 'Flirt-o-Irf' was cool so i went with it.

anyways yeah these past few weeks i've been trying to keep myself busy, and filling up my days with things to do! and in most things, i realise that i'm a very sensitive person. not OVER-sensitive mind you! it's not like i'm gonna finger point everything you say or what.

but what i mean by that is that i can get really affected just by a person directing a negative comment or attitude to me. for example, a single comment said in passing, whereby the person who said is will forget about it the next day, will continue to haunt me for the next few days. i'll be thinking, 'what did i do wrong? did i say something wrong which compelled the person to say what he/she said? at that point, my whole week could be ruined as i keep mulling over the moment over and over in my mind. which is not healthy at all T.T

on the flip side though, i thrive on positive reinforcement. what i mean is, if i manage to do something correctly, and am praised for it, you can bet that i'll be able to do it a second time; and be happy about it too.

to be on the receiving end of negative comments just ruins anyone's day basically. that knowledge is also how i live my life by. i try to the best of my abilities to be impartial and treat everyone nice. i know i'm not perfect, (i'm only human after all) but i can strive to be the person who treats everyone like how i want to be treated.

Life Update 2!

Hello!

First Post of 2015! How amazing~

Welcome to another edition of Life Update! where I try to revive this blog with atleast one post a month!

But there are a few things I need to get out of the way first. I have to get this off my chest, and it's actually been there for nearly a year now. In my previous post, I ended off by saying that I've already mentioned all the major things that have happened to me over the course of 2014. Well, truth be told, I lied. Most of my friends should know by now that I recently became single in the month of March of 2014, after being attached for slightly over 2 years.

Why talk about it now of all times?

Well this may sound stupid, but I haven't really properly gotten over it, even though a good 10 months have past since it happened. But now, I feel that it's finally time to get a life ( :P ) and let loose whatever has been going on in my mind since.

Of course, I'm not about to go into detail about the nature of the break up, nor the relationship I had. All I can say about our time together, is that my time with her was arguably the best times of my life. The fact that this was my first ever long-term relationship (considering my longest was only a month and a half before that) probably contributed to that fact. To have someone to be completely vulnerable with, someone where you don't have to hide yourself, and you don't have to put a mask on with. Well I haven't been able to be that comfortable with anyone else for a long while. The trust we had was mutual and we had a great sense of freedom in our relationship.

As I mentioned, I'm not going to elaborate the why, I'll just give a little snippet. Long story short, as the months dragged by, we grew apart. Yes, that happened, and after the new year, it reached a sort of tipping point. It was so bad that it felt like we just tolerating each other for 3 months. On my end, I tried everything I could to try and rekindle what we had, but to no avail, as March came and went, so did my sanity for the next few weeks.

I'm not gonna lie, I was broken during the first week. A myriad of thoughts ran through my mind, how am I going to go on? what can I do to get her back? can I even get her back? will we even be friends? do I even want to continue a friendship?

Tears flowed freely whenever I wasn't pre-occupied with anything. My thoughts would wander and stray to all the happy times (how cliche) and how I could have saved the relationship. All I could think of was, what did I do wrong? These were hard times, and I become painfully aware of the reality of my situation. I had just spent 2 years loving another person, and now, this affection was just flung up into the air, leaving me feeling pretty lost. I reflected on how I treated her, and knowing that whatever it is I think I could've done, it would not have stopped the inevitable.

Ultimately, after a long while, I started to get to grips with my situation. I realized that it was the only way forward for the both of us, and nothing good would have come from us trying to resuscitate a dying relationship. My daily routine returned to normal and I made a promise to myself to change for the better. In fact, I was sort of desperate to have want to have something to do with the sudden amount of time that came with being single.

This was when I decided, in April, to join the Chua Chu Kang Youth Executive Committee (cckyec).

But first, a little background.
During happier times, she invited me to help out with her volunteering activities. I went along of course, and enjoyed myself at these events. But after March, I lost that avenue to take part in grassroots activities. It was then I had an epiphany ( :P ) . I was gonna take the opportunity to take part in such activities myself. Of course, taking part in the same activities as her was out of the question. So, I opted for a choice that was closer to home. This led me to send that fateful e-mail to apply for membership into cckyec.

Let me tell you that it was one of the best decisions I ever made in my life (: Slowly but surely, I started to get to know everyone in cckyec. Also, I became more involved in their monthly happenings and various events. It was pretty awesome that I was accepted into the YEC family so quickly, and I have really enjoyed being in the company of great friends (:

Ending the last YEC meeting for the year with a xmas gift exchange session. Everyone came in christmasy colors! :) Looking forward to a great 2015 ahead! #cckyec #xmas

A photo posted by Chua Chu Kang YEC (@cckyec) on Dec 12, 2014 at 7:54am PST

Looking forward to many many many more events with the cckyec family (:

This was just one of the various ways that helped me cope with March. I caught up with old friends, met new ones, and basically increased my circle of friends two-fold. Everyone I knew comforted me and reassured me that everything was gonna be okay. And yeahp, 10 months on, everything is indeed okay!

Another way I've been dealing with it is through music-making. Only recently I performed at the Esplanade. YES ESPLANADE! Not only that, IT WAS AT FULL CAPACITY! I was thrilled to be able to perform infront of atleast a thousand people! It was a great achievement for me. On a side note, it was also the first time my sister watched me perform, and that was a personal victory in itself!

A huge thank you to all friends and family that came down today! Really hope you guys enjoyed the concert as much as I enjoyed performing to a full capacity esplanade!

A photo posted by Erphie Irfan (@erphieirfan) on Dec 12, 2014 at 1:46am PST

 I've chosen now to talk about this, because I guess I'm finally able to talk comfortably about it (: It took me a long while, and I went through a lot of shit to get to where I am today, but the journey has been a real eye-opener for me. There's still more to life that I've yet to discover and I shouldn't let such things hold me down. I've generally enjoyed 2014 an am looking forward to a brighter and better 2015 !

Cheers!

Life Update!

Hullo!
It's me, Irfan! My lack of posting has made this a very very very forsaken blog. The purpose of which, currently, is only for me to look back through my archives and relive those memories of my secondary school days and occasionally laugh out loud at myself. Well it was today that I sat down and thought, why not create new memories? So here I am now. I guess I will pen down (rather type out) the happenings that have occurred since the last time I posted in 2013.

Since so much stuff happened I guess I will be breaking this up into different portions. Why not start with the most prevailing chapter of my life now yeah?

National Service in the Police Force

Yeah! You read that right. I'm now a fully-fledged police officer! But first I will begin with my roots, although I will try to make this as brief as I can!

On 7th May 2013, my hair was unceremoniously shaved to the shortest it has ever been since my age was still a single digit. Got a portrait photo taken which will ultimately be pegged to me all the way until I ORD next year (2015) in March. On that fateful day, so many things were running through my mind. However none of those bothered me as I took my oath and was introduced to my new second home for the next 3-4 months. It was only that same night that it finally hit me. Most of the freedoms I had prior to enlistment were now gone. I can only see my house once a week, and was forced to kick the habit of whipping out my phone whenever I got bored. I could no longer commit to weekday gatherings and had to take and carry out orders again, which was something I had not done since I was 14! But in that low point in my life, I realised something very important. I was not alone on this boat named the S.S. National Service.

The squadmates that I have met and spent those 4 months are the people that I can confidently say have been through the same thing that I have. The same one for all, all for one punishments, the unforgettable moments that stayed with us up until the point we POP-ed. We understood the meaning of manning up to our own mistakes and facing the music for what we did wrong. Although we all had a common consensus that some punishments were uncalled for, we sucked it up and pulled through. The one punishment that will always stay with me was not what you would expect it to be. Long story short, it had nothing to do with pumping or any strenuous physical activity. It was a day where a single line cost me a thousand word essay to be done by the next morning.

Now I want whoever's reading this to understand, it is near impossible to write a thousand word essay on the basis of a single line. Like, "oh I shouldn't have drawn it and I'm sorry", would have sufficed to tell the entire story. But no, it had to be a thousand words. Of course, I got it done, under the light of my NS phone I wrote and wrote to the point where I was just trying to put words on that paper.

Anyway, that happened and a whole lot else happened which was all part of the NS experience. After those trying four months, the day my squadmates and I were looking forward to finally came. POP! That was definitely one of the biggest milestones in my life. As I marched proudly in my police uniform, I kept looking towards the audience looking for my parents. At the end of the POP OH!!, and a celebratory squad huddle, I scrambled to look for my parents. Then there they were, coming down the steps, also looking for me. When I made eye contact with my mum, I'm not ashamed to say that tears welled up in my eyes as she came running towards me and hugged me. I guess it was the spur of the moment that made me so emotional. That day made me feel the most free that I've ever felt in four months! I've made unforgettable, and sadly, forgettable friends throughout the course of my basic training. All in all, it was a great experience and I would happily live through that life again for a day if I had the chance.

Anyway that was my basic training. I was posted out as an "Assistant Trainer" in a place called Police KINS Training Camp. To be honest, I had no idea KINS existed until I was posted there. As the police van brought us into the camp, my jaw dropped. Not in awe, but at how unbelievably run-down the place was. Half of the buildings were boarded up, and there were even sections where vegetation had completely taken over, leaving crumbling cement structures behind. It was like something out of a zombie apocalypse movie. First impressions aside, I have to admit that after that first day in PKTC, things didn't get better at all. Soon, me and my new intake mates were equipped with the skills to become weapons and tactical trainers. Not long after, we were teaching full on lessons to KINS Troopers. I loved the aspect of teaching, which was why I was enthusiastic over the idea. My intake mates were not exactly on the same wavelength as me and we got off on the wrong foot.

They started to exclude me from stuff and kept making sarcastic remarks at how good I was. At first, I got me so riled up that it got to a point where I almost lashed out. But luckily, I pulled myself together and decided to ignore all that and just go about with my work. As the days went by, I guess everyone else saw that I was not the big shot know-it-all the painted me to be. The remarks got lesser and lesser and I got happier and happier. We've all also realized the value of teamwork and how petty skirmishes among ourselves would do no good for each other. Today, I can confidently say that the trainers at KINS are like a well-oiled machine, ready to do our job at a moments notice. Though we may grumble and even seem lazy at times, we do get the job done! I've still got a 7-8 more months to go in this camp, and by golly I am going to make every minute of it count. The friends I've made here are those that you want to keep for a lifetime. we've been through so much that we know each others' temperament and how best to work with each other. Basically, my NS life is at an all time high ^^

Hehe that's me on the left!

WOW. That was a lot of typing. BUT WAIT. There's more!

My Hobby Of Music-Making

As my description might tell you, I am a percussionist. Just a little background, I've been a percussionist ever since I was in Primary 2. My first instrument was a pair of maracas, which I shaked with all my might when I was younger (:

Being in the Police Force, or being incarcerated in Home Team Academy did not stop me from my MusArt Youth commitments on Saturdays. I regularly went for practices in preparation for various concerts. Most common remark was "Irfan you botak ahh!!!". I got used to that in the end though :P So yeap, I still managed to enjoy music making during my NS life. I played in a number of concerts which I am not able to name off the top of my head now. But let me tell you, being able to play in a band, is one of the best experiences next to having squadmates. Just like being in a squad, everyone in a band is together and working towards a common goal. Seeing everyone move together, breathe together and enjoy making music together on stage is an experience that is simply awesome. Performing and presenting a piece that we've all been working on for weeks to an audience, and to end it off with applause. Well that's just something that money can't buy :P

I've also made countless number of friends through music. Being part of the committee in MusArt Youth, I got to know many other like-minded individuals who have the same passion for music. I simply love how easily we all click when we're talking about band (:

I was also active with the Jurong Junior College Symphonic Band for quite awhile even after my graduation from the college. I met my juniors and "grand-juniors" and imparted to them whatever I knew to prepare them for SYF 2013 and the Danza Di Colorie Concert. And I just gotta say that those moments are etched in my mind and the memories will stay with me for a long time to come (:


My Education Life And Future

As an NSF, I've been bombarded with questions about what I'm gonna do upon my ORD. Well it's time to reveal, that I kinda, sorta flunked my A levels. Even though technically I didn't fail any of my subjects, my grades are never enough to make me pull through into the local universities. I've applied twice and rejected by all Unis twice. Of course, I will be trying again next year, with the addition of several other private universities in the mix. Yes I know anyone reading this will then ask me, "why didn't you retake A levels then since your grades weren't good?"

I have to be honest here. At the end of J1 after my promotional exams, I was having serious thoughts of dropping JC and going into a polytechnic. I barely scraped through promos, literally. After much thoughts, I decided to go ahead with it anyway and wing it. Well, it didn't pay off apparently and I am now stuck in the middle where I am neither here nor there. Didn't do bad enough to retain, and I didn't do well enough to get a spot.

However, throughout all that, I was convinced of one thing. My burning desire to be a teacher. This desire was spawned ever since I became a senior in my primary school band. I liked how my juniors looked to me for advice and how I saw them improve with my very own eyes. Even as a senior in the band during my secondary school and JC days, I revelled in seeing my juniors improve with my guidance. I loved how they slowly grew and matured before my very eyes.

I plan to do that for my future students. I want to make a difference in their lives and helped them succeed in life. And wow, being a role model for someone has always been a dream of mine. (:

Well that's mostly what I've been up to! There's still a few more things to say but I guess I can leave that bit for later.

Cheers!

HEYAS

HULLO~!

Well I guess a lot has happened since the last time I posted in this forsaken blog :P

Since the last post, I went through the JC2 life which was filled with the stress of the looming A Levels at the end of the year. So at the beginning of the year, I met my juniors in band(percussion) and I have to say that I wasn't really at all impressed with what I got at first LOL. This was because they appeared really really scared of the stage at didn't have the confidence it took to be a percussionist. I say that we percussionists need confidence more than the other players of the band because all percussionists are soloist. A mistake made by us will more than likely be audible and sometimes, the entire groove and tempo of the band can be resting on the shoulders on a percussionist, besides the conductor. So yeah, I saw that my juniors had stage fright xD

Then there was the band concert by JJCSB. It was an awesome experience where we could see our own friends and classmates cheering for us during the performance. I surely hope that the band felt the same as well.

AAANYWAYS

Throughout the course of the year, I realised that my juniors were actually more capable than I thought. A big indicator of this was when I saw that one of my two juniors Shawn figured out(albeit slower than me :P) the rhythm to a rather complicated piece which was inspired by the Malay culture. Kudos to him and hopefully he may be able to surpass me in time to come :D (which admittedly has been my dream for my juniors ever since primary school)

Besides band I also realised who my true friends were. I got ever closer to my two guy classmates (NOT THAT CLOSE) and we studied together for our common goal. We supported each other both physically and emotionally. And I am really blessed to have such friends :D

SO. If you bothered to recall, I did mention that the topic of girls was a "wait-n-see" thing in my previous post right? Well yeah.. You know ;D Me and her also supported each other through these few months (since 20th Feb) and yeah I am really glad that we did ^^

ENOUGH OF THAT

TODAY. It's been two days since my last written paper. And I fricken have to wait like a two weeks for the last two MCQ papers. I heard some of the Arts syllabus students have already ended their 'A's but here I am waiting for mine to end.

OHWELL.

There are a mountain of things to type out but my fingers are already tired. It could be because I haven't typed this much since forever haha. Mmm for anyone who reads this, I commend you for taking the time just to read this piece of writing(typing) but I don't have a prize for you.. Here have a virtual cookie :D

Cheers,
Erphie ^^

Trololol

TROLOLOL ahahah hey look at this, first post of 2012 !!

And I just realised that theres only ONE post for 2011 ~~! LOL joke sia.

Oh well here goes my diary/blog or whatever you wanna call it, entry.

Well, as you know I'm a big boiboi nao and I've often been mistaken to be in the Rugby CCA. Seriously, the look on their faces when I tell them that I'm in Band is PRICELESS.

Anyways, serious business, as I mentioned in the 2011 post, I'm just posting for myself to see ^^ and I guess my blog isn't worth looking after anymore.

I remember in 2007, when i was sec 1 how I poured out all my emotions into this blog :). Well Im in JC2 now in the year 2012.(wasn't kidding about the 2007 part, go take a look at the archives, I literally laughed at myself!)

MmmMm the topic of girls? .. Ahahah that's not for me to decide and we'll see how things go ^^ Hopefully this year will be better than the last.

Cheers! ~ Erphie ;D

EH-LLO

ahahah

its been a long while ehhh :D

My vid is busted and i doubt my musicp layer still works.. I also see that my last post was last year on my BIRTHDAY which was AGES ago ahahs

So a summary of what happened in between.. So basically after that last post i went through my O-lvls .. i had adequate results and decided to bomb around and try out for JC .. Now my second home is Jurong Junior College .. to tell you the truth .. its pretty sad,, not because of the school,, its the uniforms LOL. Last time CCKSS i looked sick because of the light green colour. NOW, it looks like im not even wearingany clothes cuz JJC is SKIN colour hahaha ahiyoo ..

So after orientation camp, we hunkered down and i got a slight culture shock at the speed of JC education.. i couldnt settle down fast enough and did badly for PR1(Something like CA1)

From there .. i tried to buck up as much as i could and now, Common Test just ended and now im currently waiting for results. Hopefully I can achieve better results ^^

Well yeah that was basically what has happened in a nutshell from then till now ~

I doubt i will be posting anytime soon though, since this blog is essentially just for my own viewing pleasure (inactivity of the tagboard)

oh well, i'll post again whenver i feel like it and maybe I will plug up the loose ends of this post ahahahs ;D

~Cheers , ErPhiE ^^

Thanks

Thank you Schoolmates,Ex-schoolmates(primary & secondary alike), OB Buddies, friends and family for all the warm wishes. This will be one of the most memorable birthdays ever .. to make it sweeter, later at about 1 pm hahas im gonna go jln raye .. ON MY BURFDAE.. :P

Once again.. thanks for the wishes =D
~ ErPhiE

yoh

hahas its been a loonnggg time since my last post.

Yes yes i am not dead.. . :p

Class blog is dead though .. i thought i would be hardworking and update it but i suddenly felt lazy to do so ..

umm have been wasting my time playing soccer with my buddies but yeahh i shouldnt be doing that hahas..

NBC this sat and mrs chua wish us luck *ty*

oh yah tmr Oral wish me luck... again.. hahas =D

~ErPhiE