internal fracas

really now what's wrong with me. i'm truly absent-minded.

apologies

aand I know I've been a real whiny kid haven't I? Dammit I need to grow up. Wish I'd fallen differently, and my heart swayed a different direction.

The reality though is all too clear.

tough

hey i've been battling a very long period of low morale for awhile now. not really sure what's causing it but i guess it's something to do with the fact that i'm always the initiator to things. if i wanna hang out with others i'm always the one to ask. sometimes, i just wish that someone would ask me out instead, or even invite me to a group outing.

also, i keep thinking, i so so so want to keep my feelings, but it seems more and more inadvisable. i've promised someone that i won't confess for the good of the bigger picture, but it's always gonna be an uphill battle. spending so much time together, and for me to develop feelings while the other hasn't is a telling sign.

i so so so wanna tell the person how i feel to get it off my chest, but i don't want to ruin things between us. there's much more at stake here, and it concerns things bigger than the two of us. which is why it would be selfish of me to try. but it's oh-so difficult gosh.

#rant #end

haze

c'mon no i don't mean the haze that clogs up the air. more like, its the haze that blurs the thoughts in my mind and makes life just a tad bit more difficult.

so i just completed year 1, and currently have 2-3 months of idling. this gives me loads of time to focus on myself. at the same time, since im not distracted by school, i've realised a few things.

i've gotten over singlehood a long time ago, but i was not ready to date again. not ready to take the plunge and build another relationship from scratch.

but recently (1-year ish) i've been really drawn towards an individual. this person makes my knees weak, and when i'm in their company, i feel very very comfortable. there's an air of uncertainty yet assurance about this person and it drives me crazy trying to figure out their mysteries.

we spend time together and i'm smitten every time we meet. we've had heart to heart talks, and we've discovered plenty of things about each. this is where the hazy part begins.

because of my knowledge about said individual, it would make a romantic relationship impossible between us. that's just so unfair! why of all people would i fall for them if it's an impossibility?!

i'm a little angered by my own feelings myself. "just forget about the person if you know its impossible" people might say. yeah sure. even though i know nothing will come out of it, it doesnt make my feelings go away. it doesnt make me enjoy our time together less. it doesnt stop giving me butterflies whenever we talk.

i would love to forget, but it's as impossible as a relationship between us.

reflections

most mornings nowadays i wake up with a lot of trepidation and foreboding. i am never able to pinpoint the exact cause though.

usually what happens is that i'll wake up like that, then have to slog through the day to feel normal by night time. only to wake up the next day feeling shitty again.

it just sucks waking uo this way because i know im not usually like that. i put on a smile for the people i care about because i dont want them to worry about me.

this struggle is something i must undertake alone.

Facebook Rant

the other day, something really ticked me off to the point that i actually went to Facebook to air my grudges! the following was typed out in the heat of the moment:

"what is it with people not moving to the back of the bus? i mean, is it a haunted area or a restricted zone of some sort?

two buses bypassed my stop today because it was 'full'. people only stood up till halfway, leaving ample space at the back. i doubt you gotta pay extra just to move to the back right?

so what if you're alighting in one or two stops after, and you don't want to squeeze your way out of the bus? your selfishness in not allowing people to board may ruin the day lf other people;

may cause a person to be late for work, costing his promotion; a student to be late for his exam; a person to miss his flight for a holiday he's planned for months; unable to see a dying relative for one last time;

sure some of these things are exaggerated but hey its perfectly plausible that they can be true.

there are already 5 million of us squeezed onto this tiny island, making rush hour a nightmare for any mode of transport. so i see no point in making the problem worse.

so just please move in to the back of the bus when its full because that little action or lack thereof can make or break someone's day."

so yeah that happened ! :P