respite

i need respite and recluse. time to rest, time i'll lose.

moving on, climbing out. breakaway, break free.

Escape.

can't go forward; can't fall back.

What the hell have I gotten myself into. ffs.

thoughts

down boy. settled thoughts and clear mind. go about my day in peace. walk around with no worries.

this is my day.

Okay

alrighty. tirade. botched. tired. finality. inconsistency. why.

i'm suppose to be done. supposed to have one leg out the door with the other soon to follow. let go erphie, it's not hard. there's nothing to be gained, nothing to be reaped. there's near zero benefit.

yes i'm done. i'm so done. i need medicine. i need fuckitol.

fuuuuu-

i feel the pain of others. more than them sometimes even. but do others feel mine?

done

im so done. it's gonna take another long while again. im just so so tired. i really really wish my feelings had never went down this road. fuck it im out.

afternoon thoughts

my days have just been filled with work and the dreary routine of everyday. but it has to be said the only few things can break this monotony. it is therefore so glaringly clear the i have fallen. will i ever climb out, maybe. but i dont really want to to be honest

internal fracas

really now what's wrong with me. i'm truly absent-minded.

apologies

aand I know I've been a real whiny kid haven't I? Dammit I need to grow up. Wish I'd fallen differently, and my heart swayed a different direction.

The reality though is all too clear.

tough

hey i've been battling a very long period of low morale for awhile now. not really sure what's causing it but i guess it's something to do with the fact that i'm always the initiator to things. if i wanna hang out with others i'm always the one to ask. sometimes, i just wish that someone would ask me out instead, or even invite me to a group outing.

also, i keep thinking, i so so so want to keep my feelings, but it seems more and more inadvisable. i've promised someone that i won't confess for the good of the bigger picture, but it's always gonna be an uphill battle. spending so much time together, and for me to develop feelings while the other hasn't is a telling sign.

i so so so wanna tell the person how i feel to get it off my chest, but i don't want to ruin things between us. there's much more at stake here, and it concerns things bigger than the two of us. which is why it would be selfish of me to try. but it's oh-so difficult gosh.

#rant #end

haze

c'mon no i don't mean the haze that clogs up the air. more like, its the haze that blurs the thoughts in my mind and makes life just a tad bit more difficult.

so i just completed year 1, and currently have 2-3 months of idling. this gives me loads of time to focus on myself. at the same time, since im not distracted by school, i've realised a few things.

i've gotten over singlehood a long time ago, but i was not ready to date again. not ready to take the plunge and build another relationship from scratch.

but recently (1-year ish) i've been really drawn towards an individual. this person makes my knees weak, and when i'm in their company, i feel very very comfortable. there's an air of uncertainty yet assurance about this person and it drives me crazy trying to figure out their mysteries.

we spend time together and i'm smitten every time we meet. we've had heart to heart talks, and we've discovered plenty of things about each. this is where the hazy part begins.

because of my knowledge about said individual, it would make a romantic relationship impossible between us. that's just so unfair! why of all people would i fall for them if it's an impossibility?!

i'm a little angered by my own feelings myself. "just forget about the person if you know its impossible" people might say. yeah sure. even though i know nothing will come out of it, it doesnt make my feelings go away. it doesnt make me enjoy our time together less. it doesnt stop giving me butterflies whenever we talk.

i would love to forget, but it's as impossible as a relationship between us.